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Ups and downs

My life has been interesting lately, and by interesting I mean crappy. Career is in the toilet. Marriage feels bland and forgettable. Kids are so busy with activities that we are all rarely even in the same room together anymore. I’m full-on stuck in the mud of life… I feel depression and stress sneaking up and tapping me on the shoulder. Robbing my sleep, ruining my appetite and making my moods float from almost giddy to wallowing in agony.

But…. and this is a big BUT, I can see bright spots. The biggest of which is that this, this mess of life and chaos and stress, is not new. People deal with it all the time, far better than I do, and with more worries loaded onto them.

It’s coming up to thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, so I’m resolving to be thankful. And not to just pay thankfulness a form of lip service. I’m actually going to force myself to analyze the facets of my life, the dark little corners where my problems hide, and then I’m going to pick them apart, one by one, until I find a tiny morsel to be grateful and thankful for. Wish me luck! Haha

I may very well end up posting about it… could be a cleansing exercise.

‘Til then.

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Is it for me?

Blogging is hard. I don’t think it’s meant to be, but I’m making it difficult on myself.

I find myself thinking a lot about what topics I should focus on. I reject and dismiss many ideas, thinking they will not be interesting enough or entertaining in any way. I mull over what to write, question and rehash every idea that pops into my head, and then, ultimately, I don’t write anything because I feel it doesn’t have any appeal or merit.

I could give up and throw in the towel. I could dedicate one long, boring blog post to the fact that I lack imagination and any talent for writing. But, what purpose would that serve? I’m not here to be graded, I’m not here to please anyone. I’m here to voice the thoughts I have, or to discuss a topic that interests me. It should be simple. This blog may turn out to be the launching pad for finding and releasing the true me. And I’m the only one who reads it. Seems a bit ironic.

This is a hard, but necessary exercise for me. I have to give up control. Even saying it disturbs me. I am not a controlling person per se, but I hold so much in, I hesitate to open up. I am far too quick to judge myself, I don’t want to give a bad impression of myself. I can’t just let go and give flight to the topics and thoughts I have rattling around in my mind. What would people think? How absurd is it to even care? It’s odd that it took reading someone else’s blog to spur me into doing my own, I had never thought about doing something like this before. And, what’s odder still is, now that I’ve started I can’t seem let go and open up the way I want to, even here, in relative anonymity.

I have to trust my impulses more, I am not whimsical or fanciful as a rule… my impulses are not going to lead me away from who I truly am. I made an impulsive decision to start writing a blog, and even though I find myself a bit stuck that doesn’t mean following the impulse was the wrong choice.

Give in, let go. Give in, let go. My mantra for the next while. Maybe it will help, maybe it won’t. I have to trust this will be a good thing… for my mind and my soul.

Sleep…

Sleep… what an asshole! It’s meant to be peaceful and rejuvenating, but it can turn into something fitful and frustrating with the blink of an eye.

In case you’ve not guessed it, sleep and I don’t always agree on what’s best for my body and mind.

I didn’t always have this problem, in fact, at one point in my life I actually would joke that my one true talent was sleeping. I couldn’t sing and I couldn’t juggle, but sleeping… ahh, sleeping was my speciality. I could go to sleep any time of day and still sleep through the night. I could sleep anywhere too, it didn’t matter if I was in the car or in the waiting room at the dentist’s office or home in my bed.

But, alas, sleep and I have had a falling out over the years. Sleep never treats you the same after you’ve had children. I think it became starved for attention while my children were small and is now paying me back by ignoring me and my needs. Sleep may in fact be male, this revelation is just hitting me now!

Nowadays, sleep creeps up and holds me tight, it lulls me into thinking we are going to spend a long, joyous night together. Then – bam – it’s 1 o’clock in the morning and sleep has left me wanting for more. The cruel bit is that by 7 am sleep comes crawling back and wants to spend more time with me, all apologetic and cuddly, but, by then I’m cranky as hell and I kick sleep the hell out of my bed.

I will have the last laugh though. I can be quite sneaky and sly when need be. I have been reading and learning about breathing techniques and mediation to clear my mind, I’m a novice now, but I think I’ll get somewhere with those methods. I’ve also been exercising more, trying to wear my body down, trying to win the war.

If all else fails, I suppose I could turn to a medication, but, seriously, who wants that in their system?

Nope, I will get this without chemical intervention. I’m far too stubborn to simply give in. I’m going to make sleep my own personal bitch, black leather chaps and all. And if that fails, I’ll just keep blogging all hours of the night. 😉

And, here we go….

Blogging? It’s so not like me. I’m going to give it a whirl though, I look forward to having a place to express my thoughts, ideas and observations, even if it’s just for me to enjoy.

Looking ahead I’d guess that this blog will be quite varied and jump from one topic to the next. My kids, with all of their ups and downs and adventures, are a big part of my life, so they’ll end up in here a lot. I also like travel, sports, cooking and literature… so I’ll likely add bits about those topics as well. Who knows… it’s all up in the air for now. We’ll see what each day brings.